I hurt my back again , or rather to be more specific it would be easier to say my back is hurting, it’s the injury, it’s always there, and right now it’s right here, chipping away.So I’ll stand down in the studio and wonder if I can channel the discomfort into what I’m trying to do, into the changes I’m trying to make, to not just indulge my own cliches but the express the core of what I’m trying to put into my work. I’m not even sure if the discomfort of this spinal injury is something that can really express itself through art or indeed whether it should all be indulged.
But then, on consideration it has always there, informing my practice in less obvious ways, sometimes slowing me down or stopping me, sometimes ensuring that I can’t work in the style or at the pace that I would desire, and sometimes it’s even right there on the canvas. So, just like the sarcoidosis, or dreary days or petty annoyances it is it important part of what I am and therefore an important part of what I do.
Artists often have issues getting work completed… can be so many reasons, creative blocks, issues with materials, fatigue, illness. And this is it, I’m here, the studio is down the hall, I’m tired and in pain/discomfort, it’s difficult to apply or concentrate and yes that’s the frustration..
Normally I’d circumvent these issues, but just today, it feels like I lack the required concentration and fear that id be rushing or making unnecessary errors due to this..
So for today, I sit back, contemplate the possibilities, and hope that tomorrow or later I’ll get in there and get stuck into the current, almost finished painting.
There are new meds and new looks at the sarcoidosis, X Ray’s and scans done and to do, but at the moment, the related arthritis and tendinitis are just pissing me off…. but I will channel this frustration and see beyond…..
So, I wake up this morning and in in pain, tensonitis in the Achilles… it permitting and frustrating… it’s a secondary symptom of my Sarcoidosis… discomfort, need some painkillers pronto.
The sarcoidosis is a pain in it’s own rights, attacking my lungs, I have 50-60% oxygen absorption of each breath… get tired easy, sleep a lot, weak and weary??? everything is twice as hard, and making art involves ensuring not of the chemicals involved are liable to irritate my breathing.
Some of my art has hints and reminders, some of the imagery refers to my condition…. it seeps in, when you’re sitting in front of a artwork listless and unfocused… you can get angry, annoyed with your own inability..
I have a spinal injury too, I bend down to pick up a brush I dropped, it’s a strain to straighten back up, I get a head rush and start to cough… I groan like a weightlifting pensioner… I get back to the art… fuck it, I’ll keep going, there is no other way.